There was a third person in our marriage.
You’re probably wondering, how is this even possible?
For many couples, ADHD can feel like an unwelcome guest in their relationship and marriage. If your partner’s ADHD leaves you feeling unheard, unseen, unimportant, or like an afterthought, you’re not alone. These emotions are real, valid, and deeply challenging—I know because I’ve experienced them myself.
For a long time, I took my partner’s behavior personally. I felt offended, frustrated, and at my wit’s end until we had our “Come to Jesus” moment. That was when everything began to change.
The first step in our transformation was acknowledging the truth: there was a third presence in our relationship, and it was called ADHD.
Understanding ADHD as a “Third Partner”
ADHD manifests through traits like difficulty focusing and prioritizing, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and poor time management. We realized that if we didn’t address it together, ADHD would continue to dominate our lives.
It had already taken over the organization in our home. Piles of mail and papers seemed to grow endlessly. Every time I organized an area, it would immediately become cluttered again. Items were left out of place, and disarray became a constant source of tension.
Time management was another challenge. I call this “unproductive busyness”—keeping busy with activities that don’t align with life goals or move the day forward. Planning events became chaotic, and important details were often forgotten.
The hardest part, though, was feeling like I wasn’t being heard. During important conversations, my partner would lose focus, get distracted, or start multitasking. It was painful, especially when they forgot something significant to me despite countless reminders.
Creating a Plan to Conquer ADHD
The turning point came when I committed to learning as much as I could about ADHD. Once I understood its symptoms, I was able to create a plan of action that worked for us.
Structuring Our Home and Daily Life
We began by setting up systems to address the areas most impacted by ADHD.
- Organizing Mail: I designated a basket for my partner’s mail and implemented a Sunday morning routine where we set a timer for 20 minutes to sort through it together. Junk mail was recycled, important papers were filed, and actionable items were handled immediately. The timer helped maintain focus and made the task manageable.
- Using a Wall Calendar: We bought a large wall calendar and placed it in the kitchen, our home’s central hub. Together, we color-coded schedules to track activities, events, and responsibilities. Having everything visible in one place reduced misunderstandings, ensured important dates weren’t missed, and helped my partner feel more organized and valued.
- Prioritizing Date Nights: We created a list of activities we enjoyed and committed to at least two date nights a month. During this time, we gave each other our full attention—no phones, no multitasking, just us. These moments allowed us to reconnect, rebuild trust, and heal lingering resentment.
Additional Tips for Creating an ADHD-Friendly Home
- Reduce Clutter: Fewer distractions create a calmer environment.
- Designate Personal Spaces: Give your partner their own space for their belongings.
- Color-Code Everything: Use colors to simplify and streamline organization.
- Try the Pomodoro Technique: Break tasks into focused intervals with set breaks.
- Seek Professional Help: A professional organizer can help design systems tailored to your needs.
How ADHD Saved My Marriage
Implementing these changes wasn’t easy at first, but it transformed our relationship. It brought us closer, deepened our understanding of each other, and helped us appreciate one another in new ways.
By facing ADHD as a team, we took control of our lives and learned to nurture our partnership and marriage. What once felt like an insurmountable challenge became an opportunity for growth, love, and renewed connection.
Happy Organizing,
Bonnie B.
Bonnie Barrios, founder of bonniebarriosorganizes, is one of New York City’s top organizational experts with 15 years of experience helping clients declutter their homes and lives. A proud volunteer contributor to On The Record, Bonnie combines her background in Psychology and Theater to inspire and empower people to live authentically through functional and creative organizing solutions.
