Going to see the movie Babes, starring Ilana Glazer and Michelle Buteau, was supposed to be a fun Sunday hangout with friends. But instead, I found myself bawling in public. It was my first time seeing an honest depiction of a solo motherhood and pregnancy journey. Until that moment, I thought I had reconciled that part of my story. Yet, watching Ilana’s character struggle with something as simple as carrying groceries up the stairs shattered something inside me.
I had lived that scene. That exhaustion, that decision of whether to keep going or give up—seeing it on screen was jarring. It forced me to confront the hardship I had pushed down and ignored for many years. Watching this movie made me realize it was time to unpack those emotions and embrace the struggles I had once buried.
Facing the Unexpected
It was Monday, January 19, 2015—a day that would change my life. I had the day off work and decided it was time to take a pregnancy test. As I went through the familiar steps—pee, wait, breathe—I expected the usual relief of seeing a negative result. But this time was different. Almost immediately, the word “PREGNANT” flashed up. Panic set in, and I found myself thinking, how am I going to do this alone?
The reality hit me hard. I had been a nanny and a preschool teacher; I knew how much effort raising a child took, even for just eight hours a day. But 24/7? For the rest of my life? It felt like an impossible mountain to climb.
I reached out to my partner at the time, and his reaction was less than supportive. He couldn’t handle the news, and in that moment, I knew I was truly on my own. It was terrifying, but I made a decision right then and there: this journey was going to be as peaceful as I could make it, even if that meant disconnecting from the fear and uncertainty swirling inside me.
Solo Motherhood, But Not Alone
Months went by, and I threw myself into work and daily routines to avoid facing my emotions. My days were filled with appointments, jobs, and errands, which distracted me from the reality of being pregnant and alone. Thankfully, I was surrounded by an incredible community of women who lifted me up. They drove me to work, brought me food, and even did ultrasounds during lunch breaks to check on my baby. They were my lifeline, especially on the tough days when I was physically and emotionally drained.
But there were moments, especially at night, when the loneliness crept in. One day, when I was eight months pregnant, I fell down the stairs while carrying groceries. Sitting there on the floor, I was terrified, not just for my baby but for what that moment represented. It was a glimpse into the challenges of parenting alone—the fear, the exhaustion, the uncertainty. I managed to pick myself up and get through it, but I couldn’t process the gravity of that experience at the time. I chose to numb the fear instead of facing it head-on.
Healing Takes Time
It wasn’t until I saw Babes that I truly sat with the emotions from that time in my life. Eight years had passed since that fall, but this was the first time I allowed myself to confront it. I now look back on that version of me with pride. That woman drove herself to doctor’s appointments, got through labor without a partner by her side, and brought her baby into the world with strength she didn’t even know she had. She deserves to be celebrated.
We often rely on others to celebrate us, to validate our efforts and triumphs. But we don’t need permission from anyone to acknowledge our strength. It’s okay to celebrate ourselves, especially the parts of us that survived difficult seasons.
Celebrating the Past Versions of Ourselves
Do you have a past version of yourself that deserves to be celebrated? A part of you that you may have forgotten about in the chaos of survival? Take a moment to reflect on that person, to give her the grace, patience, and love she deserved but didn’t receive.
Solo motherhood may have brought challenges, but it also revealed a strength I didn’t know I had. If you’re on a similar journey, know that you are not alone. Let’s celebrate the strength, resilience, and love that carried us through—even when we felt like we couldn’t take another step.
Kristin Penaloza, affectionately known as “KP,” is a 40-year-old solo mom from California with a passion for the healing power of music. She believes in finding joy in everyday moments and inspiring others to celebrate their unique paths. Kristin is a proud volunteer contributor to On The Record.
